The Matthew Hopkins Award
For Outstanding Excellence in Invented Outrage and Historical Character Assassination
Presented to: Liam Neeson and Catherine Corless.
All Hallows Eve 2025, by the Witchfinder General Memorial Committee, in recognition of tireless efforts to chase phantoms and slander the voiceless.
Citation:
In the proud and ignoble tradition of Matthew Hopkins, Witchfinder General, this award is conferred upon Liam Neeson and Catherine Corless for appointing themselves as moral enforcer, grievance merchant, and full-time hallucinator of crimes that never occurred.
With no war to fight, no witch to hang, and no living opponent to debate, our recipient has chosen the softest of targets: the silent dead—those who cannot sue, rebut, or roll their eyes.
Like Hopkins, they mistake fever dreams for evidence, suspicion for certainty, and emotion for fact. But unlike him, they cloak their witch-hunt in hashtags, headlines, and peer-reviewed bile—ensuring reputational executions without the mess of rope or pyre.
Their contribution to public discourse? Confusion, distortion, and the confident rewriting of history to suit today’s sanctimony.
Let the record show: Liam Neeson and Catherine Corless did not uncover truth—they manufactured it. They did not serve justice—they performed it. And they did not defend the voiceless—they exploited them, retroactively and righteously.
For weaponising empathy, falsifying memory, and vandalising the historical record in pursuit of unearned moral superiority, we bestow this award with all the contempt it deserves.
…
On the eve of all hallows 2025, Liam Neeson has just finished filming his horror fantasy in Tuam Co. Galway. Coming to a big Scream near you, soon. Watch out for killer women in nuns’ habits, hired by the Irish government to kill unwanted babies. Marvel at how they flushed them down the toilet. It will frighten the living daylights out of the gullible, unfortunate individuals dumb enough to believe.
In an interview on the eve of the long-awaited excavation, Catherine Corless declared with unyielding arrogance that science would finally Read more
