Witch finder general award for the person who has done more harm to Ireland than anyone elese.

The Inaugural Matthew Hopkins Award

CALL FOR NOMINATIONS 

Celebrating Excellence in Unfounded Accusation, Moral Panic, and Outrage-Based Achievement

Do you know someone who has turned wild speculation into an art form?
A tireless crusader against context, complexity, or inconvenient facts?
A person who has managed to ruin reputations, rewrite history, or ignite moral hysteria—armed with nothing but confidence and a Wi-Fi connection?

Then it’s time to honour their efforts.

The Matthew Hopkins Award Committee is proud to open nominations for this year’s most outstanding individual in the sacred tradition of baseless accusation, dramatic overreach, and the fearless persecution of imaginary foes.

IDEAL CANDIDATES WILL HAVE:

  • Expressed opinions with absolute certainty, despite possessing no relevant qualifications

  • Accused others of horrific wrongdoing based on vibes, dreams, or 60-year-old rumours

  • Gone viral for something wildly inaccurate but refused to apologise

  • Boldly confused fiction with fact and then monetised the confusion

  • Turned sincere public grief into a platform for personal branding

  • Displayed breathtaking ignorance while lecturing actual experts

  • Weaponised emotion to destroy rational debate

WINNER WILL RECEIVE:

  • The coveted  bust of Matthew Hopkins

  • A red wax seal stamped A.R.S.E. (Assembly of Ramshackle Scholarship and Egotistical Posturing)

  • A personalised Gobshite Hall of Fame certificate

  • A year’s supply of unsolicited admiration from equally uninformed supporters

  • Public recognition as a Visionary of the Unverified

HOW TO NOMINATE:

Send us:

  • The nominee’s name (real, imagined, or influencer alias)

  • A brief description of their achievements in delusion, distortion, or public panic

  • At least one fabricated quote, if possible

  • Bonus points for screenshots, angry tweets, or grandstanding op-eds

  • Please do not include any verified facts—we’re not that kind of award

📮 Nominations should be sent to:

Ella Gance
Chief Concoction Officer (CCO)
Master of half-baked theories and the ceremonial Overturner of Context.

Dr. Basil Bluffington
Director of Dubious Citations
Curates a library of unverified sources and forwards from 2007.

Prof. Winona Waffle
Chair of Circular Reasoning
Distinguished for her lifelong avoidance of conclusions.

Sir Ludo S. Narrativus
High Commissioner for Narrative Supremacy
Ensures the storyline never bends under the weight of facts.

Lady Tilda Factcide-McQuibble
Vice Chancellor of Vindictive Revisionism
Specialises in weaponised anecdote and selective amnesia.

Archibald “Archie” Screed, O.B.E.
Minister for Misplaced Outrage
Inventor of the patented “Fury First, Evidence Never” method.

Rev. Dunning Q. Kruger
Dean of Unqualified Confidence
Holds honorary doctorates in everything but actual knowledge.

Dr. Allegra Hearsaye
Professor of Uncorroborated Assertions
Published in The Journal of Things Everyone Just Knows.

Nigel P. Flimsy, Esq.
Registrar of Emotional Authority
Authenticates all facts by how strongly one feels about them.

Baroness Viola Gaslight-Bilge
Warden of Historical Fabrication
Ensures every event predating 2015 is interpreted with modern outrage.

Magnus Witter-Thynne
Fellow of Excessive Pedantry
Appointed for his service in correcting footnotes no one reads.

Lorna Mythsmith-Babble
Head of Interdisciplinary Exaggeration
Merges sociology, fantasy, and kitchen-table psychology with flair.

Col. Hugo N. Awnsense (Ret.)
Director of Strategic Overstatement
Leads emergency response during fact-checking emergencies.

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